When You Want to Want to do Good, but You Don’t Feel Good Enough

5 days into starting this blog and suddenly I feel like the worst person, I hate everyone and want to do all the bad things! Everything was all sunshine and joy (besides being in the midst of my total life collapse) and then it wasn’t. Next thought– blog, shmog, why the heck am I doing this? I just drank the last of my mom’s favorite drinks and removed my brother’s laundry from the washer and proceeded to wash mine before his. And those dogs, suddenly they’re annoyingly slobbery again.

Throughout my life, I’ve been a part of pretty much every basic ministry. The craft ministry, nursery, children’s, college, women’s, high school, events, homeless, and missions, assisting in all various manner of ways. I’ve always accepted the fact that I was an extremely flawed individual who was just there to serve.

I’m not sure why when I’m also here to serve, by sharing openly on this blog, that I expect perfection of myself. Mastery was also a hurdle to jump through or over. For some reason, when we write down words on a paper and share it with other human beings, we all feel such a demand on ourselves to be worthy of it and qualified in advance.

We all have gifts. There’s gifts of leadership, encouragement, healing, prophecy, administration, helps, teaching, love, faith….But are these gifts being unwrapped? And if they do get unwrapped, are they just sitting on a shelf or hidden in a closet? 2 Timothy 1:6 says, “to fan into flame the gift of God…” which leads me to believe that we have to continue to stir a desire in ourselves to even do that thing that we are gifted at. It then goes on to say, “For God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind (or self-control).” If we are being prompted to not feel too afraid or weak, or unworthy and to not feel too undisciplined in practicing our gift, I see that not only do we have to continually press into our gift, but that it’s likely out of our comfort zone and above our own natural abilities as well.

I can’t yet say as to whether I actually enjoy the process of writing. I do know when I finally get down to doing it, time stands still and I can focus for hours unawares. However, I’m subpar at best and the right descriptive words often elude me and it’s difficult! But, I like to share, to help, and to provide guidance. I’m gifted in discernment, encouragement and helps. If there is a gift for authenticity, I have that as well. Because I am drawn to do to these things, this is my feeble attempt at trying to fan into flame a possible gift!  I’m sure there are thousands upon thousands of people who would not at all enjoy writing to the world about how weak, debased, and screwed up their lives are in order to relate to and/or encourage others.

So tonight I had to remind myself that I am 100% not putting myself out there, writing bible studies or devotionals or blogs because I am wiser than anyone else or because I have my Christianity or life together, or because I’m less of a sinner. Actually, through all of my rebellions and struggles, I know that if there is anything good in me, it is a much undeserved gift of grace and mercy because I will tell you first hand that none of my natural inclinations are good. I resonate with Paul when he says, “I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life.” (1:16) I’m only here because I want (to want!) to be used for good.  (Please note: my flesh still cries, do what you want, ignore everyone, sleep in, watch TV, stare at your phone for 10 hours a day, every day)

And in regards to being qualified, everyone has to start somewhere! It wasn’t expected of me to have a degree to teach children’s ministry or lead women’s bible studies. It was expected that I take my broken, sinful self to the cross daily, to seek God for forgiveness in my inevitable shortcomings and failings, to continue to get back up and accept God’s mercies that are new every morning, to prepare through bible study and prayer as best as I could, and to show up every week. That was what was required. Eventually as you do things, you learn more and become more skilled, more technically qualified. But the most important part of doing any work for God is recognize how little of you it is about at all. He is the one who performs the miraculous, who blesses, speaks, encourages, restores, redeems, heals, and ministers. We are just the willing hands and feet.

So if you’re reading this and feeling like you’re not good enough to do __________ (insert whatever you’re trepidatiously being drawn to here) remember that every single one of us is an extremely sinful human being. Behind the highlight reels we selectively reveal to each other, is a world of struggles, insecurities, and depravity. I know this because God said it in his word. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23) Not one of of us is good enough on our own. But thankfully, the rest of the verse says, “and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”

It is only through Christ’s blood and sacrifice, his infinite grace and mercy that we are saved, that we are enough and that we are capable. Rest easy in that friend and let’s start unwrapping those gifts.

 

 

 

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